MY PROVIDER MY PORTION FOREVER BE

On the way to lunch this afternoon, Marcel stopped by to get some cash since the place we're going to only accepts cash.  While at the ATM, he withdrew some for me too.  When he gave the cash to me, I said, "Oh, it's OK Koko.  I still have $10 with me."  He said, "No, you should keep some extra in case you need it.  Take it.  Remember, I want to provide for you."


That statement penetrates deeply into my heart.  After the LORD, it is true that Marcel is the next person I feel the most comfortable with being provided by.  With Marcel, he provides for our family because He obeys God's commandment for the husbands to be the head of the family and provide for the family.  He provides because he loves me.  He provides out of his responsibility to God.  He provides and asks nothing in return.  He never said, "OK Yanny, here goes $40 for you.  Get grocery and cook delicious meal for me."  When he gives, he gives with trust.  And the most important thing for me is that his gifts are NOT associated with "power control." 


And with the LORD, I feel the same way and even MORE.  I know He will never change.  He always wants the best of me.  He provides unconditionally in EVERY aspect that I need His support on (mentally, financially, physically, and spiritually).  He asks nothing in return.  It got me thinking at times that WOW, what a privilege I have ... I'm so unworthy to accept all these; yet He continues to provide for me.  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, LORD.


Right now, I'm asking God to be my portion as I'm dealing and healing from the wound of the "power control."  Something happened recently that made me realize that all my life I've been a slave of this sin of "ill feeling" towards some people whom I felt using their ability to provide for me to gain more power and control over me.  And I let them do that to me OVER and OVER again which did not solve the issue but continued to let my "ill feeling" towards them to grow even more.  I felt like I have been in the crazy cycle and could never go out of it.


This morning, we drove to Church and intended to come to the English Service (ES) as usual.  For some reasons, the Indonesian Service's Care Ministers fell short and that Marcel had to attend the Indonesian Service (IS) to cover for them.  These past 4 years, when similar situation happened, I normally let Marcel serve in IS while I went and serve in ES.  Effective this month, since I no longer have commitments to serve in ES, I am more flexible to follow Marcel where he needs to be.  So I was in the IS with my husband and thankful of the situation. Turned out my coming to the IS was God's purpose.  He wanted to me to hear and be enlightened by Pastor Hosea's sermon today.  That's what God wanted me to ponder and reflect on as I deal with the "power control" thing.


I feel like what God just asked of me is too much.  I've never extended grace to that level before.  I know I'm incapable of doing it.  I know I need God.  And I need Him to be my provider and my portion to extend the grace towards these people as He wants me to.  As I let God do His thing with me, I only expect that it will be good for me, my character and His Kingdom in the long run.  If after all these, the people still don't change a bit, I will not be disappointed or have any regret about it.  Because from the beginning, I want this to be all about my relationship with God.  If they don't change, at least I will change ... and the change will be towards the Heavenly goal ... free from the bondage of "ill feeling" sins towards these people.


AMEN??  AMENNNNNN.  Have a great Sunday, Everyone!!!!

"My flesh and my heart fail;

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:26